I read something a few days ago in Marcus Buckingham’s book The One Thing that really struck me. He said in his research on marriages, the one factor that made for a happy marriage is the perceptions a person holds of his or her spouse. In other words, if you want a happy marriage, work on your perception of your spouse, not your spouses weaknesses.
The relationships that found faults in one another, tried to help the other person “improve,” and tried to have a more truthful perception of one another, reported being less happy than the couples that always thought the best of each other.
The reason that strikes me as odd is because it seems to go against reason and modern marriage advice. Compatibility tests warn couples to make sure that they have similar interests in the 7 or 9 or 13 key areas before they marry. Counselors admonish couples to have a hobby and spend time together in that hobby. And all of these are fine, but the ONE THING that loving couples can do is to be Pollyanna.
So, as I thought about this, I thought of some ways to work on my perceptions and how to build them, which seems so crazy. Am I deluding myself? Tricking my own brain? Or, practicing blind love?
- tell my wife at least once a day that she is beautiful (not that she isn’t, but she is constantly worried about her weight and appearance and she compares herself to other women — and I don’t want to start doing that, so I want to protect my perception of her beauty)
- when we argue, remind myself that she is strong and independent (which I like)
- think of her as a saver of money and a generous giver
- compliment her in public for being a patient, caring wife and mother
The amazing thing about this practice of perceptions is that research reports that perceptions actual produce reality. As you think about your spouse in positive ways, he or she will become more like your perceptions. And the inverse is true — if your preceptions are negative, you will produce in your spouse the very qualities you don’t like.
This is a powerful truth. We have the power to encourage and build up our spouses. We have the choice to feed and nourish our marriage or to destroy it — with our thoughts and perceptions of one another.
